even in case i'm burning please don't piss on me

After many wasted with watching tv and snacking years I finally made a zine in English in last year’s summer. Mostly to make some money on tour so I can buy lunch and beer. And because I hate everything that is limited I offer now all my thoughts in forms of deranged sentences to the digital world. Here you are seekers of my mind. Most of the words were typed during a 2 weeks long storm. Mostly drunk, after midnight. The zine I made before this has a foreword written by my friend who plays now in the band Rákosi but he was my self-help consultant with his previous band RedlineOffside when I was 14, growing up. Doing the same again I wanted to ask my other friend Kuti to write me a foreword but he rather chose hanging out at weird places talking to too fancy ladies. So I wrote a foreword myself. Here it is together with the whole fanzine. I was hesitating on whether I should upload the pdf version to some online document browser platform but the zine has naked pictures of me being a kid and I would miss my parents if FBI put them in jail.

EICIBPDPOM - foreword

EICIBPDPOM - raving / raging

I was watching this awesome show. The band played fun type of hardcore. I think late era Negative Approach’s sound is after all just so much fun, fun, fun. Not to laugh at but when I’m listening to it I won’t feel like I need to go down the streets to get into fights or prove my credibility of being a survival of the hood. Not even wanna wear a pair of boots. Maybe the most aggressive thing what occurs me while hearing it is grabbing my friends’ leatherjackets and shaking them by those. I saw this once in the back of a kebab restaurant in germany and the image is haunting me ever since. Yeah that is perfect fun. Or just drink beer and witness again with my eardrums the total chaotic and also wildlife rage of such bands and how compact they’re delivering it. The only thing that sticks to punk in my head as a denial of something is that punk can’t be enjoyable after 16 if you’re not dumb. Fuck those who say they’re grown out of it. Just like them who were too lazy or stupid to find other music that they can listen to because they accidently forced themselves into few bands when they were young. And now looking on this as a used to be a good thing. Lazy bastards. So the band played this kind of music. Forever fun hard as fuck core but with that much visceral pleasure what the early Agnostic Front records had. When they played such fast and amateurish that I’m cheering for them all the time not to drop their instruments out of enthusiasm and of the chase to finish the song all together at the same time. Sometimes some sound tracks are racing with others. It’s so awesome and geeky while they try to be total jocks. How cute is this? Like when little kids run around with their blankets on their backs imagining themselves to be costumed superheroes. And there was this girl drinking beer in her golden outfit completely disrespecting the heritage of the inventors of pogo dancing. She moved like it was a party cause it was a band playing for young people on a Friday night. We all know what is bad, then why would a weekend have to be infected with problem raising and failure of solving any of those. Bad capitalism and muscular people who take Skrewdriver serious. Fuck the cops and manipulators of the scene. As that girl danced I just watched her and through her that show was dreamy and punk had become meaningful. Dancing is just fun and good music is fun, fun, fun as well. What if the two don’t fit perfectly? It means you don’t care about bullshit conventions. It’s not about freedom it’s about having a huge fucking fun. Why people love pogo dance moves? Because they’re mindless. They are shy so to avoid possible awkwardness they just force their joy into established movements. Why do some people only watch shows from the background not moving a bit? Maybe their backs hurt or they like to drink beer more than dancing. The point of long hair is to shake my head and feel how good it is to bang a head. Go in front of stages and have seizure there. With long hair every piece of hair is just another reason to listen to music that is bangable. Up and down or side by side. Long hair blocks some sounds of the headphone, thus makes every sound a little bit distant and more mysterious. Like how could that girl love if she writes these amazing lyrics and sings them the way she does? It’s a mystery how could Nico loved. And my hair just makes it more obscure. This is the key to music, the imaginations of the players and the visions of the situations all in the heads of the listeners. It’s the best thing that could happen to my brain. How could that girl love who danced to oi influenced hardcore? And she wasn’t a skinhead. She looked more like a raver. A type of person I’d like to show music so she can show me her crazy dance moves. Or just tell her how cool some bands are and she would smile on me for being crazy to tell her about my latest findings of awesome punk music. I lost interest writing this. I wanna meet cool girls around great music.

EICIBPDPOM - career

I made a lot of money that summer. I had several jobs and other things. One of the other things was that I sold copies of my childhood pictures to pedophiles. When I was young Michael Jackson was a big thing and I always liked some aspects of dancing though I’m a really lazy guy. So what I did was that I hold my penis all the time as a tribute to Jacko. I hold it in school, on the streets, once on a funeral of one of my grand mom’s sister and his war-criminal husband. There’s a yearful or two photos of me touching my penis sometimes without pants. I sold them to pedophiles. The cops tried to bust me but I’m a grown up who sold those pictures about himself being a kid. With a dick in his hands but whatever. Other than this I was helping old ladies up on the escalator at a subway station. There I met a nun and she offered me a job. She knew my window faced a satanic cult’s weekly rituals cause I told her but she had a really bad case of hearing and thought I was actually in that cult. So she offered me a job to work for the catholic church. My job was to watch movies, read books and listen to music. Cause as she put it, it already doesn’t matter at all what happens to my soul. And she knew about my weak link to pedophiles so she thought I would make a great fit for her employers. Basically I had to write reviews but in the context of a catholic person. And if needed what kind of protest strategies I’m recommending. I was among the few critics that really mattered and wasn’t just a person who’s telling about his opinions on things. I don’t know why but they told me this. Around that time I was drinking too much home distilled brew I started hallucinating and actually joined the satanic cult that had gatherings in front of my window. We burned plastic and painted pictures of goats. I didn’t really see the point. Satan just sounded like a jock. This red muscular dude who’s fucking with people just because they had fun with doing exactly the same what he would do. That’s what bothers me about the subcultures that exist in spite of something. What they created to believe in, in opposite of what they hate is just creepier than what I should hate. I just don’t care about bullshit. I care about having fun and not being bothered. I quit all my jobs and duties. I only needed the money so I can maybe be with the girl I love. But she lives far away from me. And at least being around her is not really bothering me. I don’t care about distance either. I left the cult and it was the last straw for them to broke up and the hill in front of my window became a place where people brought prostitutes in their cars. I suspect the catholic church knew it was coming. The things we hate always smarter then we are. The things that aren’t are just sad. Now I have to face people having intercourses. For what guys are paying huge money. Looks like some people would do anything just to get laid.

EICIBPDPOM - random

EICIBPDPOM - great cop

Cops are retarded so if you can do one thing be it that you won’t be a cop. Thus you won’t be retarded. I know not everyone is like you and it’s frustrating as shit. But if there’s something you don’t like to see then there’re 359 other options to look on somehow different and if there’s something you don’t wanna hear there are always your fingers to put them into your ears or your palms to cover your eyes. Carrying about things that suck and people who are dumb or just badly dressed or eat what you think is not cool is just so lame, a waste of time and yeah a retarded occupation. The more you think someone is a stupid ass and you still care about it then I’m sorry but you’re even dumber. That’s why making a thing out of it is even worse. That’s what cops do. They don’t like me wearing hoodie at night walking in zigzag so they check my IDs and ask me stupid questions like if I have something with me that I’ve stolen. That’s what they do. And what does a scene cop? Checks out how same punk someone is who him or her finds as an opposite, a disgust. I know how fucking disturbing is to live among complete idiots. I really do. But if i’m sick of it i just do my own thing. I create something what i like. Not care with other shit i find pointless. I hang with people who i find interesting or true not arguing with complete assholes. Cause i’m not a textbook to teach someone something. I’m not even writing this to make a change. I’m writing this cause most of the zines are boring me and I encounter so many assholes so to balance the shitty thing and the great things I try to create great things. Bad things are amazingly good for one specific thing, to make something better. I can’t do anything with amazing stuff except I could totally admire it. But it isn’t influences me just locks my mind. Maybe it sounds self-righteous but I rather embrace my thoughts then push buttons against people who truly depress me. If you wanna be angry on stupid people and only care about them then either set up a mean website what makes comments on people or have a stroke. I’m a cop too. I force myself to only care about the cool shit.

EICIBPDPOM - music

EICIBPDPOM - where's the punchline?

EICIBPDPOM - essay on bullshit # 1/ epiphanies

If I wanna be honest my favorite kind of movies are the horrible ones. Not the bad flicks but what would creep out other people just because what they see are so true or they think it’s weird just because shows too much of life. We’re too used to beautiful people do everything even what never was their business. That’s why we honor ugliness as much as we treat it as truth. It’s the same with music. I can’t watch that many horrible movies and i only can listen to a little more bad records but I know I could create both really well. The only thing is. Making bad stuff needs guts. Punk was an adjective always but was used for shitty things. Cause back then it was just horrible music next to the professional crap that ruled poor mislead people’s ears. Now it’s not. Sometimes it’s good other times I like it as well cause I like punk music. But I can tell you the most magic happens on the terrible records. The ones what belong to once good bands. The best bands. Terrible things need to have some connection to goods otherwise I wouldn’t care about them. That’s why I couldn’t call them terrible only irrelevant. Being a sell out and writing bad music it doesn’t hurt me. I can let it go. It’s not me who changed or it’s not me who makes a wrong turn. It’s a bit disappointing sometimes. I mean who would like to see a used to be good band perform their bad songs for a crowd full of douchebags? Sometimes that’s what happens. The only thing I have the will to fight for is maybe my friends and whoever I’m in love with. I think I’m in love with someone for almost 10 years. I haven’t seen her for almost a year but who cares. I don’t wanna let it go. Cause at least I’m in love. But listening to good music is so much easier then give your heart an other meaning what is different than just an organ. If you heard good music just once in your life you don’t have to worry about you’ll hear something terrible. Cause there’s always an escape. I have been in bands and even though I only sing I’ve been there at the rehearsals almost all the time cause I just love to see how songs have been put together from the beginning. And the only thing a band should never say is “well, they might not like it”. I need to believe that bands write bad songs cause they like them or it’s the only way they can express themselves. Being bad and boring not always means you want to fit in with the trend. Sometimes it is indicated by the trend and maybe prison rape is sadder than this case. But playing boring music needs guts. By time people only accept self expression if it comes with originality. But as time goes ahead it just gets harder. While anyone should have the opportunity to express themselves the way they want, the majority of it will be just boring or clichéish. So what? It will turn out that the world is a boring place? No, cause thousands of boring bands existing and providing boring music is just fun fun fun. I think craziness is a huge field that very poorly exploited. When I was younger I thought late era Black Flag sucked. While now I’m in love with it. I thought they went crazy and maybe they did for real but late era Black Flag is just pure awesomeness. Their early songs are amazing too. But most of them are just amazing songs one after another while their late stuff is so complex and a whole record just feels like only one big number. And when I’m only listening to one song from that era it feels like a whole album. It gathers so many things up. All the uncomfortable things what in those records became features I’m glad that I had or still have. I can appreciate loneliness if it comes along with the appreciation of Black Flag. I used to think Descendent sucked but they doesn’t. Their weird songs are almost their best. I thought Bad Brains sucked beginning with I against I and I think I’m right. But SSD’s and DYS’ rock records and the second Antidote release, Into the Unknown, all these really terrible records. Jesus should die again for these. I can’t stop smiling on how stupid and lame these albums are and how crazy they had to go to write these. And how cool it is that they actually did it?! I think that the world is just a beautiful place with all it’s fucked up things in it. All the bad ideas, and creepy results just make everything more interesting. There’s beauty in every fucked up situation. I realized that when I was watching a Ratos De Porao show with a plastic bag full of cheap beer in Czech republic. One of the most beautiful shows I’ve ever seen. It was long, they were old but still I loved every minute. It was as beautiful as a dead baby who chocked in her aids infected crackwhore mother’s vomit. I don’t think that there’s a god and even if there is it wouldn’t create such scenes. So we people do such horribly outrageous things with each other but it just makes our existence one of the most complex and interesting thing in the galaxy. I realized that while watching a chubby brazilian guy showing and shaking his old tongue. I felt like I’ve been awakened. I was around so many weirdly too cool people. They seemed to be too right. I didn’t care. I realized at that moment seeing a beautiful girl in a Void shirt is just awesome. And I’m probably never gonna know her. So in my head she loves Void and United Mutation and No Trend and all this mutant-core and other sub-genres’ cool bands. The truth might could spoiled this image in my head but I’m not gonna care about other people’s truth when I could care about mine. I’ve learned there that I should just appreciate everything that looks and sounds good. And look on bad things as parts of the whole madness. Now I can appreciate almost everything for some time.

EICIBPDPOM - SH

EICIBPDPOM - sophie's choice of the year

Those old folks were talking on the radio about lists. About the nature of people making lists. One said it’s the conquer of infinity to shrink the good things from all the things into one list. Sometimes I’m just worried for people when they have to write up a top 10 list and they cheat with adding more to it. They make Sophie’s choice from writing names under each other. And feel like betrayed themselves when they accidently leave out some of the better bands they had listened to. Poor people look on a list as something what have to be taken as serious like a rule or choice between two child actors. Feeling weird cause they don’t know the exact answer and it’s order. And eternity just conquers them. I’m not worried anymore. I leave it open to give a chance for anything to come in. At least that’s what I think. And culture while it’s sometimes boring as shit never really could make damages which would worth to avoid them. If the door is open it’s easy to kick shitty things out. It’s an amazing feeling when things come together, mix together and create something new without rules and rational orders. Or just work together, after each other I don’t know. See I don’t take writing a fanzine that serious that I write down “I don’t knows” like I would just talking. Forgetting things only shows how human i am and as does fucking up orders. It doesn’t matter now what is my favorite band if I’m not listening to it. Someone really could decide whether it’s Minor Threat or early Bad Brains? And maybe I like Embrace the most then One Last Wish on second and Rites of Spring the least from all the amazing revolution summer pre-fugazi bands but truly so what? Even if I’m listening to Rites Of Spring I’m not wondering on how better Embrace is. It maybe just makes me listen to other music that somehow fits for Rites of Spring at least in my head. My favorite type of shows are when I can believe the band who plays is the only and best band in the world. And there’s just me and them. The best thing in this modern ultra fast informational world is, I can be anywhere and everything can be here in my head. I could imagine million places and times where it would be cool to be but isn’t it cooler that now all could happen right after each other? If i were closer to cool I still would miss huge part of them with just letting these chances pass me by. And besides that one can say, “yeah I was there, I only needed to take a bus to see everything” is it really matter? Luckily I’ve seen so many of my favorite bands and it would be great to see the rest but at a point it would be just tiring and I couldn’t care to move out. But I don’t think the common sense in me would ever make me stop to listen to awesome bands when the only thing I have to do for it is to switch on my stereo.

EICIBPDPOM - essay on bullshit # 2 / speed thoughts

I’m not gonna lie. Punk is all about speed and the dizziness in the brain. Cause I’m one of those arm chair freaks who probably overestimate the importance of brain I don’t do drugs that fast me up. Cause I’m a big coward that’s why. I usually get so drunk that I throw up into my own mouth and have to run around in strange apartments to find the toilet just to get rid of the vomit among my wonderfully white teeth. I’m capable of this. That’s how self-conscious I am. Maybe I could handle speed if I wanna rush. No wait. I totally could. I’m not doing lsd because I’m afraid. I don’t do speed cause it doesn’t interest me that much. Cause who the fuck wanna rush at nights, the only specific part of the day when I could get speed for free? I enjoy the total victorious feeling of being awake even after how much I’ve drunk and how long I’m still up. Also when I went to high school I loved to come home exhausted and just fell half asleep with midday talk shows on and have the televised reality and my half conscious mind react and sometimes I was speaking with the guests on the shows.
But really if I wanted pace I would like it around the most useless hours like 3 pm to 4 pm. When everything is just there to let me down because there’re only things i can be sorry for. With the pale lights of the day and people connecting to life so much different than I do. Today I scanned old photos of my family. My favorites were the ones which had my far far none blood related whomever who is schizophrenic because she listened to a religious radio station too much. There’s just something really interesting in her expressionless face. Then I drank coffee and went to buy a bottle of wine for my father’s upcoming birthday which is the exactly same day as Hitler’s death day, listening to Sonic Youth and the Nerves in new shoes what I found heavy and finally just in a t-shirt that’s how warm the air was. Caffeine overdose is like a flower. With sun-beams and good circumstances like middle era Sonic Youth the material in my blood opens up in my head as the most magical feeling. This is not about drinking materials. It’s about fast paced thoughts with slow motion walking in the sun and listening to amazing guitar outruns. Or homeruns or whatever that translates the sound’s vibration which is shockingly similar to a heart’s race after running a marathon. I’ve spent this afternoon with failing to fix a mix tape for a party I’d like to but will not attended. Still I imagined the soundtrack in the background of drunk kitchen conversations of european contact exchanging and great songs. None of us is doomed enough for something interesting to happen with us. But that’s alright. Somehow punk will destroy our weak bodies. I’m not punk because I always was and am weak. I became weak cause I didn’t give a shit about my body image and found sitting around and hanging more fun than running around. So music will destroy me. The caffeine I toke to make Wipers more effective and the headphones what makes everything sound better. The weight that my ears have to bear and my brain what shrinks so the sounds can have enough space. Ok it’s not true or I hope it’s not and this wasn’t my ironic and fatal sentence. Fuck I just have so many great images and activities and people and places which I could connect with or through music and because I’m writing this it’s obvious that I feel the need to get things out of my head while the things inside my head are the best things ever because they are all mine and I’m not ashamed of my thoughts. Sometimes it feels that what I need is not writing it out but to collect them into one place. That’s why I need the speed to have them all at the same exact time. Like now i’m a bit overdosed myself with it. I mean them. Caffeine and my adored thoughts. The need to put something cool into this empty world. So now i’m feeling like i’m right in that world where Flipper records are relevant. It’s so claustrophobic cause i’m surrounded with fuzziness and everything is just flashing around in my head, i really have to focus even on a such simple thing as pissing right into the toilet. Right. I’d like to call all my friends, have them here where we eat cold spaghetti and warm ice cream and watch apocalypse now redux version while spinning records above it. Selecting music for the scenes because we all know what they on the screen say, think and hallucinate. We’d roll around the floor shirtless not wanting the earth to open. Or have a dance party to Rudimentary Peni. Stole skateboards from the cheap pot dealer who lives on the third floor. And have night sessions with a boom box blasting Wire. I sucked in skating and after I broke my hand into two pieces I gave it up and went too far with punk. Still I have dreams with riding. It’s almost as cool when I dream with girls who I love. Sometimes I just imagine things while awake.
I love my neighborhood. It always reminds me to raise the question what were my parents thinking. They delivered me into the last three years of the soviet union. And they had no idea it will ever end. Furthermore they lived in deep poorness. And when i was around 5 or 4 we got here where I live now. The national and practically only tv channel had a daily soap opera that was filmed here. And we got here. Kinda amazing. Cause in every second episode there were youngsters in leatherjackets trying to beat up everyone, rob old people, rape young ladies. Mafia wanted to take over all the tiny grocery stores in every corner and everyone was ordering or buying cognac in every 5 minutes. Of course there was this guy from the orphanage working the shittiest jobs, who always stepped in and saved whoever needed it. Then he drank some cognac. The irony is that one of the things i’ve learnt to work is his job. But it’s not that important. What raises the question in me is my parents saw every day what this neighborhood is like. Full of violence, rookies in capitalism, drug dealers, nazis, catholic priests, house policy obsessed stuck up sons of bitches. Still we got here and i have to say it’s not just one of the safest places in such a safe town but most of the times it just seems dead to me. And i fucking love it. Walking all alone at nights being amazed by no one is around is just so perfect for an outsider like i’m. Basically I could be that evil guy who needs to be beaten up cause I might not have a leatherjacket on the outside but I constantly wear it everyday inside. And of course I wanna steal things from every grocery store and make sweet love to all the ladies. But you see I don’t have time for these cause I’m too busy walking around and pretending that I’m from another planet staring on everything like they are new to me. Nowadays i like to dress up for these brief walks as an inbreed son of a happy family incest. It gives me the false feeling of freedom. Also i could buddy up with the guys who dress the same but not as a joke or conscious choice just out from their nature. It means i’m backed up by an army of schizophrenics. Like it would be needed. Cause my neighborhood has no one around after 8 pm. And everything fits when I’m out all alone in this world. Yeah I see lights burning in some flats but it doesn’t mean anything. It never does.

EICIBPDPOM - three stories

EICIBPDPOM - melon shake

EICIBPDPOM - girls & boys

I try to see no big mystery and tactics behind simple and true love. Girls fall for boys who go to them and don’t start to talk shit too soon. That’s it. And boys just wanna express their gratitude for almost everything even for a smile or for a handkerchief and mostly for girls being so awesome. The only way we can think of: by shoving our penises into all possible holes. The only thing that fucks this up is assholes who want to put their genitals into everything we’ve found precious and they do it without a grateful feeling. And that just sucks. The other thing is which makes assholes not the only thing: We all are single individuals. And sometimes it hurts so much to accept things not always turn out the way we think they should when the situation has more than one person. This creates great songs. The frustration, the sadness or the irony of how life works. Still we stare on everything that hangs from their bodies. Legs, arms, breasts and asses. And it might be frustrating. I guess I will never really know why but it’s alright cause i never should. It’s girls’ secret and secrets make them more adorable. Once a guy started to dry hump my shoulder on a night bus but I thought it was funny. Other times weird old gay men wanted to hook me up or drunk punks wanted to kiss me but I found it flattering and at the same time I always told them right away that I’m straight. I guess a girl couldn’t really say no to everyone who she won’t fuck just because they looked on her glow. And being afraid of rape should be a horrible thing. I creeped out some poor girl once cause I always walk fast but it was so early and on a huge avenue but she looked back saw me and ran away. I found it funny but yeah I was kinda sorry for her. Anyway what rejection makes with guys the lust we still engine for women does the same to girls. And it should be tiring and frustrating to be an amazing being among such losers as we guys all are who even though are losers still have unreal desires. It makes great songs too. Some of them are angry as hell others are just about a perfect world where they, the women, could hang only with boys who they like. We try to believe that we could be these boys but then we should think about what’s besides the bras and panties and that’s just too hard for some of us.

EICIBPDPOM - essay on bullshit # 3

Have no idea why. But i like music what other people find unlistenable. I like these bands so much that sometimes with the enthusiasm what i have for punk i can prove or more correctly cheat people into believing that the bands i like are actually good listens. It’s always cute when someone pretends or believes that what they are made to listen to is good for them. If it was they would already know. It’s true. I’m not listening to punk rock because that was my only choice. I wasn’t forced. From the beginning i liked two types of music: the very catchy and the very heavy. I knew fucking nothing neither about noisy, brutal bands nor what could power pop or garage rock be. My brother only listened to Nirvana and Jungle music and of course because he was the older i hated everything what he liked. No influence from the people above me. No fucking way. I remember i saw the album covers and t-shirt of bands like metallica, iron maiden, megadeath as cheap items for foreign tourists on pointless holiday based streets. I just wondered around them. I couldn’t speak english then but somehow i figured out megadeath should have meant something my mother wouldn’t really be pleased to know i’m a fan of at such a young age. So I stayed silent about it. But because these bands were popular that much a little clueless prick like me could know their names it meant they had terrible songs what music televisions could air. During summers my grandmas were looking after me at our flat. One of them only watched the live parliament broadcasting and yelled pimps, fuckers, pagans, sinners and other nice names on every politician which is to look back kinda cool but back then was confusing as hell. The other didn’t really give a damn about me. She was just trying to fill out her crossword puzzles but because she is old and back in the day it was much different she didn’t really have the schools what would be enough to fill out a cross world puzzle. So i was harmlessly watching horror movies on tv channels specialized to trash and besides horror I was hooked by some eastern european music channels. Which worked as video clip jukeboxes. I remember how excited i was when bands like the ones listed above hit the screen. When their names came up. The creepy video clips were alright. Then when i realized their songs just suck i couldn’t really understand the whole thing. Iron Maiden shirts looked awesome. While their music is terrible. Full with solos, people are actually singing in high and clean voices, the songs were disturbingly long. Nothing fit. Megadeath played ballads and i knew there’s got to be something faster, louder, shorter and more brutal. If there isn’t a video like A Tout Le Monde I could never become a punk. That thing pissed me off enough that I spent my life from then on searching for music what is better. And the result is. Almost everything is better. Well the huge seek for brutal songs wasn’t started then. Ultra melodic one summer hits just enchanted me from focusing on the serious mission. Then of course years have come and gone and i’ve listened to lots of shitty bands, believed in bands who suck bla bla fucking bla. What matters it was a fun ride since i did it mostly all alone. The highly intolerant local scene never treated me like shit. Or maybe they did but I have never noticed or cared about the most of it. I just loved the music, the attitude and the smell of how cheap cigarettes and cheaper beer mixed in sweat reeked air. I love discovering new bands all by myself and then have conversations about them. I never wanted to be a part of something big that connects me with everyone. I love the method of punks are being friendly with each other all over the world and sharing floors, nerd outs, beers even if they just know each other for minutes. But I’m just as fine with the fact that most of the time I’m sitting here alone at home listening to music. I couldn’t do it in connection with other people. I sometimes even hate showing music to other people. Bands I’m truly in love with. Cause I find it intimate. Some things are just too personal to show. And I hate searching for my own reactions on other people’s faces. I could say that I like the connection within me and the bands but I gotta love some assholes’ bands too and it’s true: in the listeners’ heads every band is just better. Punk is good in my head. Cause I like punk. Maybe that’s why I am one.

EICIBPDPOM - back

true love will find you

I’ve got the amazing SonSkull lp from a good friend of mine as a present. And how else could I return such an awesome kindness than with to sit down on my ass and try to write him some entertaining thoughts. LPs for thoughts. Slowly but surely I put together a few pages zine to him on topics we sometimes discuss. With his permission I’m sharing the words.

TLWFY - foreword

Probably this is the most pervert zine i’ve ever made. I always was writing about little tiny things others often confused to be personal issues. Well, they came from my head so they got to be personal in a way but i never really intended to write about myself and myself only. Washing the dishes couple minutes ago i was listening to this leftist radio station which has a show called Let’s Talk About It. Most of the callers are from the left side so is the host so what is happening is both ends of the line are talking about their opinions. Which is almost the same most of the times. Even though they articulate it into the air, i doubt that that many right-wing politicians would listen to it or care that much about it. These aren’t even arguments more likely agreements in every ten minutes. Anyways, we like to make ourselves to be heard and maybe that’s why i’ve just written this. Which basically won’t change anything cause unlike that radio show this doesn’t have that much purpose. I wrote it for you because you are awesome and kind. It really reminds me to my first zine which i wrote to my friends about what should be changed in the scene but i never addressed it to my friends like they should change anyhow. Which made it a bit non-sensual. But if you could enjoy this that’s all i want.

TLWFY - essay on bullshit # 1

Swear when I wrote this I had no fucking idea who Slavoj Žižek is and what he does.

Some look on the world like it’s a musical. One makes a nod or yells: „hit it” and of course the music that fits the best starts to play from an unknown source. Everyone else is supporting this main act with providing chorus vocals and all these shit. Everyone knows how to move, the whole world is there for one person’s perfect performance. Even though musicals fucking suck most of the living creatures on earth would be so flattered to star one just once in their lives. To be seen is not some shallow desire. But making the whole world dance to your beats is one. And while everyone seems to be happy it’s just cheesy music with non-sense lyrics that no one takes serious and except for the main act everyone is just a simple tool what makes the background a bit more lively.
I on the other hand see the world as a zombie movie. Wikipedia says George A. Romero uses zombies as a political or social statement and i couldn’t really see them any different. Zombies always move in masses and in most of the movies they become a critical mass from where the people, who used to be normal, become the minority. We cheer for these used to be normals to survive because we in front of the screens still more closer to them. But we want them to stay alive for what? When the whole world is burning you maybe can take out the fire but then what’s gonna be left for you? All you will have are ashes and ruins. Buildings and damaged landscapes. Do they have that much sense without people? The weird thing about zombies is that they want you instinctively. It’s not clear if they want your brain out of hunger or are they just frustrated because you’re different. But when they bite you, you’ll become one of them. You can kill as many as you want or could but again there’s no real point except for calm and momentary feelings of safety. Which you can get if you hide. That’s the only weapon you can fight zombies. Cause zombies’ main goal is to make you one of them to be normal up to their standards. Is it that different from the society we live in now? How many times they, the whole world, want us to be like them. And when we won’t, they feel anger and want to destroy, control or hunt us. They make us hide. What we never see is how zombies function when there’re all just them. Do they still creep around slowly in masses? I know why they don’t show it. Cause if we saw them function in a society-like living structure what would be the point to keep staying out of it? I saw a movie called Blindness. It’s about a, sorry for the spoiler, brief diseases what makes everyone lose their sights so the world stops to work. What else could it do? All the great technological inventions need our eyes. I’m talking about vehicles when you see where you’re going with them and monitors on what you can see what you have to work on. Are we doomed without our eyes? What we see in this movie is the society trying to reorganize itself. Wait no. That’s what should happen. But rather it’s either complete chaos or total dictatorship. Everything has become incomprehensible fast and cruelly supported. We can’t wait for things if they won’t happen instantly. So require the whole world to wait and step back in technology few steps until the smartest people will create new tools what make our life easier to live is almost utopistic. So is it only our eyes to keep us socialized? I wonder if without seeing others, colors of our skins would still matter. Are we zombies for the blind? Putting out our frustration on them because they couldn’t fit in? If losing the ability to see would make this civilization fall then is one person’s tragedy a collapse?
Have no idea if the original book’s writer used sight with this intentions but i think it’s a great metaphor. Remember that horrible scene from Schindler’s List when so many people were shepherded into a huge shower objectum and the nazi soldiers turned the lights down on them? Many times i could feel this paranoia in today’s society. The constant fear of someone will turn the lights down on us so we won’t see anything. We’ll be just a bunch of people overpopulatedly close to each other confused and screaming in the dark. We are afraid of the weather, of economics, of homosexuals, of drug users, of radical thinkers, of different religions than ours, of god, of political parties, of nuclear bombs, of pedophiles, large countries that are either close to us or inject shitloads of money into their military. In every fucking minute something could collapse, snap, pushed and somehow we could feel the lights switched down on us. Uncertainty is the biggest enemy of ours and it’s hard to be certain in pitch-black. We could hide from this too. In the more classical sense zombies are just the living dead. Who are dead, barely functional but a bit are. Many have realized being scared and want to be some kind of a main act is too tiring as well. So they’ve chose to slow down and let themselves be bitten. Even if i’m not daydreaming about it, and wouldn’t really into this lame making it formal way i think i wouldn’t mind to marry someone i love. And if the world weren’t a fucked up, horrible place and for start my girlfriend / wife and i weren’t horrible people i maybe would conceive a child into all this. But it breaks my heart when i hear people talk about getting married and having kids before they even know who they want to marry or what they will do in the future. Maybe they are optimistic but the way they say it it’s more like an escape into all this. „My parents and everyone else i know did this so i have to do it as well”. Just because old people have died with a smile on their faces in their soft and comfy deathbeds it doesn’t mean the only way for us to achieve such happy ending is to follow their path. I don’t know if there’s any conclusion i’m heading towards with all this. Cause there are very few movies when no crucial character changings are happening and the main character won’t become a grow up or settle with his or her life. But that’s the movie i want for myself. Maybe become smarter but stay something like this what i am now. Without the need to feel all the time that zombies are fucking chasing me.

TLWFY - Things what depress me

- People dropping the word nostalgia around loud and fast music and outsider ideas. Which they listened or seemed to believe in a few years ago. Seriously people, stop glorifying your pathetic time span what you’d spent mostly in your head as a rebellious teen. Sometimes it’s fun to look back but so lame to romanticize it like „oh, it used to be so good but now i’m totally over it”. Like only naive little kids would be involved in such things. If you’re over it then why the fuck are you always referring to it? It’s like when a canadian guy told me because i’m just 23 i should do drugs now so i’ll have the experiences and i could grow older and remember these times as how fun was it to be young. But fuck that. Fuck the concept of in some point of my life there will be things i’m not gonna do, try or experience just because i’m advanced with my age. Cause maybe i could be corrupted or fuck knows what. That is just some big bullshit. Young people thinking and acting like they are old is fucking depressing. Especially when they are only doing it to overestimate the passing of time to seem a bit similar to those old guys who they are looking up to. Even the old guys are depressing and aping depressing people is the most depressing thing ever.
- Professional musicians. Who think just because they can play on their instruments many chords in the school way, they deserve more than what they can get by themselves. Almost every time in this case bands could not write one proper song. They are all about technique and no original ideas. Requires for what? No one cares about your stupid solos. It’s not even pissing me off it’s just so sad i wanna cry my pillow salty.
- Young kids who want to be professionals only to be famous and liked. Before even doing anything. Afraid to risk anything, never do nothing. Way to go kids!
- People who think there’s such thing as serious music journalism not just fans with reliable tastes and even if they hate these so called journalists they make them feel legit. When a fan thinks he or she is a pro it’s reviews mostly talk about what other media said about the record and they try to be objective. About a record? It’s more like funny than depressing.
- People who lose money or interest in punk so they call their scene or the whole thing dead.
- People who think others do everything with some kind of bad intentions. Lots of times these judgmental heads call themselves anarchists. But how could someone be an anarchist when they don’t trust people? Some people are different than others. And because we find things shitty it doesn’t mean for others it’s not the best thing ever. We listen to unlistenable music and we think it’s the best thing ever. It’s the fascists who decide why people doing things.
- People carrying more about formats than the content. „I don’t listen to cds or mp3s”. No one listens to cds or mp3 there are bands playing music on them. Arrogance is really really sad. Fuck limited stuffs and format obsessed individuals.
- People claiming respect. Especially from the young fellows towards the old farts while first of all the old guys are constantly shitting on the young ones and second what the fuck? Respect, behaving? Is it a fucking family lunch or could we be punks? And what do you do with respect? You want it for what you are doing now or for what you did long long time ago?
- Old people killing hope in young. Fucking lame that much it is so depressing.
- People in punk telling others what they should do or how it should be. Like a scene, a band, a zine could be controlled and there should be someone who’s in charge. Things are happening cause people want them to happen if you don’t like it make something else what suits you the best.
- People who only talk about their jobs or tv series. I feel sad for people who only live for their jobs and the coolest thing for them to talk about is tv.
- Conservative punks makes me feel stupid cause i couldn’t really put the two things together in my head. And i feel sad when i’m stupid.
- People who express their opinions about bands in relation with their crowd or the social phenomenon what surrounds these bands. So so sad cause we should care about the bands not their fans.
- People proud to not know or do something. „I’ve never read this book, i never read anything”. Bravo fucking bravo.

TLWFY - Thing i never learned to do or not capable of doing that’s why i’m sorry for

- ollie high
- be able to draw
- had real fights when i was around 16
- i can’t whistle
- to moonwalk

TLWFY - essay on bullshit # 2

Are we really all these boring, unlucky people with no friends and even less love? We always have to move, escape or cope with the shit? Is shit the center of our lives? Do we like it this way? What is happening all the time? We hate the cities where we live, the people who we see and simply mark them in our heads as the people and we constantly want to be somewhere else. Where it’s fun. A summer camp with all the four seasons and without semi-dictatorish supervisors, new street names to remember and million miles between us and that girl who’s simple gentle stare breaks our hearts at every single show where we bump into her. So we listen to songs what create a whole new, more likeable world in our heads. Where everything is fine, sounds awesome and even that fucking frustration, anger and hatred is something we can enjoy and tap to with our feet. Or we sit around on empty weekday nights or could have been better weekends and we create things. Small things what mean the world for us. In hope that the whole world will come to us by these. If we create we’ll became these products. That’s right we instantly become objectified. Not that different from the jerk off materials that are floating around on the interweb. People ask us when the new thing will be out or tell us the latest stuff was somehow different than the previous ones. But with all it’s awkwardness, to be liked is not a terrible thing. It’s a great benefit if you’re doing something you really like and believe in. Sometimes it would be fun to really live that life as we do exist in other’s heads. Where we only come up till we produce. So in the meantime it won’t hurt at all. We would be simply nothing. But really it’s not that horrible to live.
Are we what we do or are we what we think? I do what i do cause i think what i think. But some people just think and others only do. That’s why some jobs are hated. Causes for the most, people are only jobs, occupations, professions. While jobs are like cities. The ones we already hate. But we have to live somewhere.
The drawback of doing something is: I’m chained to the process. If i’m travelling i have to move. If I love I have to stick to a person. If i wanna be in a band i better pick a city. Cause that’s what matters. A band is writing songs in a rehearsal room, practicing them and playing those on local shows till we record some of them probably in our town from where we’re sending them out. It’s the same with fanzines. You have to sit down and write the damn thing then put it together and distribute it. I wrote a zine on the road. Or I might say I scripted it. But after I got home I had to sit on my ass, type it in, print it out, cut it up, find old books, cut them into pieces and past-glue the whole thing all together, xerox it so many times then bend the pages all together and carry some to all the shows where I went and wanted to make money from what I can buy booze. And don’t even start me on being a record geek buying vinyl to your address and listening to them while sitting next to the turn table. If you do something you have to do it at one point and mostly all alone. I go to band rehearsals when everybody is out drinking and making out, having a fun on dance floors, puking on night buses. I carry that huge and heavy bass case and I feel awkward. Then I come home and practice more, listen to hard to hear recordings while trying to write songs, better notes than I improvised in the room. I remember when i was in a band and while i was virgin how much i envied those guys who came to our shows with their girlfriends and actually liked us. And maybe they thought “wow this is cool, guess this guy is rolling”. But i didn’t. Maybe people were gifting the cds, what i put together, for christmas which lead to gratitude sex while i tried to get drunk from my small amount of money and hide my drunkenness from my parents. We sit around and do. We are do-ers. While people go on spiritual journeys or discover new cities maybe carrying us with them in forms of paper, files, vinyl. But we sit in one point, forming bands, staying awake to put together things. Maybe go to bars only for inspiration or celebration on tiny achievements. We create stories cause things aren’t happening with us. There’s nothing poetic about my life. I have to think all the time.
What is more heartbreaking when people tell me i should start to work then it will stop me thinking all the time. But I wanna work only because I can keep thinking then. I want money and that’s all. I’m facing an upcoming high school reunion and even if I won’t go of course it went through my head what would I say? How would I summon the last 5 years? Maybe in the same way as I did couple weeks ago for a girl who seemed to be concerned about my happiness. In my past 5 years I did it. I fucking made it and mostly by myself. Everything. I can manage, book, write, distribute, put together, promote, organize, cook, dance, survive, play, rip, have fun. I wanted to be in a band and I was and still am. I’ve learnt to play on an instrument the punk way. I wanted to write and I’m constantly doing it. I wanted to travel as touring. I wanted to create great music and I did. I could be constantly indulge myself of giving my best time by time. And I wanted some people to like what I do. And I do great things what i can like and glad to show without that much of egoisticism. Because I’m so into them and you should believe me I truly hate myself pretty much the whole time. So work is money for me and that’s all. What I can invest into my survival as a punk. I don’t need career. I don’t wanna buy big things. If I wanna travel I could make it almost for free. I know people in huge cities so I won’t have to rent rooms or bunk beds in shitty hostels. And I’m not only in love with touring because I can have fun for free with my friends but also because I can be constantly amazed of how nice this all is. The international connection of listening to awesome bands and having the greatest ideas.
I used to wonder how cool it would be if I were a writer. Or a journalist. Same daydreaming everyone does after they learn the abc. But I don’t want to become one and have to cover up things because someone signed me to do it. I love writing and thinking but I don’t really into the school or official or professional form of it. I’m not even sure if I’m really that good at it. I just know I like it when I’m doing it and I don’t want it to define me. I want to define what I’m writing. If you wanna give me money for that, just for the simple enjoyment of reading my stuff then do it. But it has to come from desperation if I ever want to be a journalist. We really are obsessed with producing or serving. Take those arrogant assholes who work in instrument or computer stores knowing everything about what they are selling but nothing besides that and treating their costumers like retarded animals. Cause they as well identify themselves with their jobs and look down on everyone who’s different. The intellectuals have this fetishlike love affair for blue-collar workers. That’s why they have invented communism. The sexualisation of hard, sweaty work. People seek for dignity in their occupations and nothing pays of better the self-righteousness than suffering in long shift shitty jobs. Probably I will work something nonsense. Even if it will be helpful for some it won’t be what I would really wanna do. Cause I’m doing it already but not for money nor for dignity. I’m just doing it cause it’s fun. And fun is where my dignity lies.
Obviously there are jobs that are not punk. Without drawing borders of punk I would say every job is terrible for which you have to give up your whole self. It’s almost impossible to work without come in terms with some lame rules of the work place. I myself wanna work in t-shirt and don’t have to care about how my hair or facial hair looks. I’d be a ceo of a company If it won’t live up all my time. I don’t want to be cruel to people or sell my conscience out. So I might not be a ticket controller either.
What’s ahead of me is to choose an incognito. Which for I don’t have to care that much. But it’s not easy to convince myself to sacrifice my precious empty hours, what I’ve spent with seeking for and listening to great music and brainstorming on better ideas, for just getting money. So every Sunday I go to bed with a so far never fulfilled promise: I’m gonna start a fake life on Monday.

TLWFY - Thing i should stop doing

- Spiting while urinating
- Putting my chin on a plastic bottle while i’m sitting at my table, sometimes scratching my teeth on the plastic cap.
- Not having a conversation but just telling stories like i’m biding with someone on who will run out first of anecdotes.
- Always telling the same things. Especially when i’m drunk.

TLWFY - essay on bullshit # 3

Actually we are the cool ones. Cause we are really ok with ourselves and we are confident and don’t really give a fuck about unimportant others, circumstances and bogus obstacles. No one knows this because we are all in a secret society. The world does make us awkward and confused and barely functional when it drags us out from our safe circles. It always wants to prove us we worth nothing. Even if we don’t, I don’t give a fuck till I love this non-existence. For me it’s the world what sucks. And if we turn our backs on it, we bravely express our opinions, for start we do have opinions. We don’t give a fuck about shit like whether we look good or not, social statuses and consuming capitalist symbols. But we do give a mountain-full of shit for what we do, think or how we live our lives. When I sit alone at bars listen to other people I feel like they are part of another reality. A parallel one which I can see and they could see me as well but we hardly cross each other’s lines. They are just different and make me sad all the time. I don’t wanna change them, not even feel sorry for them. They just make me sad and I would have to pay heavy money for a shirk if I wanted to know the why beyond this sorrow. I don’t care that much till I have my people. With whom i could bond, appreciate and help each other easily if we spy the common signs and could speak the common language. Which uses the grammar of the punk attitude. This is all just narcissism and the share of that. I love that i love what i love. And i love it cause i could feel connected to it. And it’s good to share. I like people who could be enthusiastic and do hard work like child’s play because they want to do this whatever and it makes everything easy all the time. Sometimes when i see someone who seems like an interesting or beautiful person i imagine her to be into things similar like i am. Cause how on earth she isn’t, while she looks like the coolest person ever. We were walking on the streets with my good friend one hot summer night and he explained how disappointing is for him to see someone from a distance and feel like she or he is one of us. But getting closer it’s just the cloths and the look, maybe the gesture on the face. But nothing from the arsenal of our secrets. Ipod has became a social status symbol as once mobile phones or plasma tvs in eastern europe had. But everyone makes calls or watches tv. But only a few could fill a pocket sided multimedia object with many gigas of music. And there’s even fewer for whom there’s never enough place to fill. We are one of a kind. We are unique. Or at least we were.

We liked to be locked. We lock ourselves from the world because it’s boring and useless when it doesn’t offer us good money, tasty food, great sight to see while walking. But to be locked is always better when we are locked together with someone. That’s why I wonder if those people who look I am, are they similar to me. Are they part of the secret? They have an ipod full with music there’s got to be something common. The thing is. It really isn’t that hard to fill an ipod. Not that hard either with music I would be nerding out on. Everything is learnable nowadays that’s why it’s easy to adapt. Some people put their whole lives into the liking of some things or just to have a great taste and feel like they should be paid for that.

We hate these people cause they are selling out our precious obsessions. They make culture from it. Turning it into something cheap and easily adoptable. With observable objects and treating the whole as a subject. They (means we) are angry. Why? It has to be some lame, childish shit. While maybe we are just naturally angry. That’s what normal for us. We didn’t choose punk because it looked the coolest or because that’s what our surroundings were listening to. We found it because we knew there’s gotta be something like this. Because for us it’s the coolest but we live this. And we are not normal people. For normal people it’s the least cool.

The problem is this. New people told to discover bands because they (the bands) are cool so people are not doing it by themselves but to become the ones who name dropped obscure bands from their rebelfull youth. The main problem is not accepting a suggestion. It’s that in many people’s heads these bands are not cool because of their music and their messages simply are but because cool people only said they are. While punk is not about accepting. It’s about learning, thinking and improving, as far as possible by yourself from your own will. Cause it’s all about liberating yourself and become cool by your own terms.

Owning something this obscure holds it’s protection in it’s obscurity. But now in this informational world obscurity is just a water fall. Everyone could step through it and becoming wet is nothing what people are afraid of anymore. More so people love to tell stories about getting wet just look around the worshippers of GG Allin. So here we are. We have traitors with followers trying to mimic us. While these things couldn’t be reduced to shirts and the listening to bands. I think like that major threat nike ad wasn’t nike’s evil plan to exploit and rob the punk community and label it with a cheap remark of an amazing ep. More likely there was someone in love with Minor Threat and thought it would be cool to drop a reference. Out from a semi-secret source. But even if it came from enthusiasm the idea was kinda lame. The thing is. That ep is still as good many many years later as even one of the biggest companies on earth couldn’t spoil it. Cause we are the cool ones. We are strong and self-assured. Money, shinning lights and nude bodies won’t buy my life up. If I buy a nike shoes I will do it cause I either like the design or trust it’s life-span against the ground I’m walking on.

I have to admit. Some of the bands I’m listening to are the best bands on this planet. So if people only like their music is highly believable for me. But just because someone had listened to some bands for a brief time s/he doesn’t know punk. Just to be among individuals won’t make you one of them. Maybe what we do is no secret anymore. They listen to the bands we like, read the zines we read and attend at concerts we go to, they wear the cloths we like to wrap around our bodies. We could be reproduced for a picture or for a video clip. Even someone could mimic that he is as cool as we are with waving a bad brains record to the camera. But who is cool that not gonna do this. The importance of knowing is most likely disappearing day by day. Am I sad because of it? A little. It’s kinda frustrating seeing something I love from the bottom of my heart being worn out by assholes. So what do I do? I don’t care about those dickheads. I do believe in everyone is doing what they want to do, so I’m not gonna start to try changing their ideas nor will I wanna make them leave and forget. I believe in creating alternatives. Options. Which already exist. This alternative existed long before the first punk song was ever written. And finally it got back home again filled with meaning. What matters today is what we feel and think. But I’d rather go with the feeling. Because it’s true, it couldn’t be bought, adopted, mimicked. By time goes and we still do the same, listen to the same music people will less likely understand why we still carry on. And that’s good. Cause they would have to feel it to understand. And what is really magical: They never will.

TLWFY - essay on bullshit # 4

I watched this magnificent movie called the hairdresser’s husband. It’s about a man who likes to dance, smoke cigarettes and beautiful women who cut hairs. He just lives and one day finds the one. From then on they are happy. This movie was about nothing but being happy and dancing while you don’t give a damn about what others might think of your moves and drinking perfumes to get drunk in a storm. I wouldn’t call this movie true but nor do i call über-realistic just screaming on the edge of sanity, breaking glasses and drinking hard liquor all the time plots. Somehow we became these terrible people. We feel bad a lot and when we could get our minds off we still just move on and continue to witness even more horrible things than what our lives are. Because we’re obsessed with not being scammed.
That’s why i loved the hairdresser’s husband. Finally i didn’t have to care about keeping this image of not carrying. It was much better than to take lsd and have a bad trip so i can say it added to my character and i saw another part of the reality. Somehow we look on drugs as the real deal of life while they just as fake as movies. The only difference between drugs and fake, well let’s call them cultural objects is that drugs always work. While with something not as effective to get under it’s influence it needs us. As much as we need it. I only call things shit what i don’t need. And i terribly needed the hairdresser’s husband. It was the magic, the fun, the complete difference of what i experience or call true while i believed every minute of it. Proudly. It was magical. So i kept thinking. Why are we always embarrassed to tell we really like something even if no one suffered? Where no big shit happens. Just for the simple fact that we like it. Because it was fun. I look on punk pretty much like this. Sure i’d have some offensive, suspicious and always questioning everything side of myself if nothing shitty were ever happened to me but i like all my frustration to pass if there’s no big real reason to be in spite of anything. I’m angry cause this piece of shit world doesn’t let me love what i want harmlessly. I don’t really understand people when they say punk is not just fun. Or not fun at all. Even when it comes to do something which would live up many hours of my time or needs me in the way that i will be exhausted and tired i still do all of it cause it’s fun. Otherwise it would be a duty which is non-sense if i’m here by choice. I won’t do anything because i have to by a rule. Even when i let some unknown bands crash on my floor i did it cause i thought it would be fun. And when someone writes me a letter, asks me in person or calls me up for asking for anything i’ll answer it cause it feels good sometimes to help. If not instantly but in the bigger picture. I just love the pure pleasure of enjoying things without telling myself „oh i did this, i should be proud of myself for that”. I never was into hard work or sweating for nothing but for the questionable dignity of the aforementioned „yes i’ve done that”. Fuck that. Even when we are raising important questions and want to solve them we’re doing it because we want this.
It used to be hard. At the beginning you had to die, then at least got many killed by your ideas. You had to suffer, be creative. Then like not doing something was fair enough. I don’t eat in mcdonalds, I’m fighting capitalism. Now you should just blame and shit on everyone who does something and you’re ok. Heroism is much more affordable as heads are getting filled with hatred and disgust. Everyone always throw words like radical, creative, original. Which might be a goal for me as well but on the journey which leads to the end point I’ll produce other things which might not fit the three big adjectives but I’m gonna like them anyways. It’s one key of the whole thing. If you always just care about what’s new and never been done before you might miss what you like. Cause trying to do new things is only what you really like if there’s nothing you could like now. Otherwise it’s not the product what you’re interested in but in the social status that you’ll gain by inventing something new. Even with my new band which I couldn’t really put in any genre so I call it psychedelic oi but mostly we sound like early meat puppets minus the country bullshit changed to joy division and Ramones, as you see I can describe it with many bands who not just already wrote many songs but most of them broke up before I was even born. Does it bother me? No it isn’t. I can say that the modern world is not inventing new things by creating whole unique and new stuff but with putting some already existing things together to form a new aspect. As words, and notes are finite being original or creative is born before everyone. I stopped reading a year ago when I’ve realized most of the things I know I know from someone who wrote his ideas down and I’ve read them. So I rather think on my own and what I experienced is lots of times I see my ideas back from someone else. Which makes me a sad at first cause I lost the game. I’m reading back my ideas from her/him not the other way around. But then I’m kinda happy that I’m as smart as a man who’s been published. Maybe I should go back to reading. Especially when literature doesn’t interest me as much as music does. And as I pointed out I always played in some already existing genre. Sadly only movies can do what I really love. When a movie doesn’t have a classical plot, things are just happening or not and the movie is still great. For me in music it happens when I hear something that sounds amazingly new or true even if I know it’s not. I call it the ramones effect. Ramones wrote the most primitive songs with lyrics what hardly made any sense at all but they sound like the best songs in the world. And it’s almost impossible to reproduce a ramones song. So everyone who believes in his or her idea doesn’t matter how original, radical or unique it is and does it with enthusiasm it will surely sound, look, read great. For me that’s punk’s best benefit. I remember when I saw a footage of a YDI show in the american hardcore documentary. The singer went on stage and exploded. He moved like a maniac and there wasn’t a slight hint of any pre-thought motion. He did what he wanted on the stage. He wanted to put himself out and he did it without carrying a bit. That’s what disappointing in a way when I see a band being shy or afraid of the crowd’s reaction. I’m sad when I spy the lack of need to do what one thinks is fun. I just love the music and of course the ideas too. I’ve witnessed on myself that with getting out of school I’m not only interested in girls and not seeing a future but seeing what’s going on in the present. So I had an epiphany this summer during a tour. I was left alone in berlin’s own Köpi. It was raining my cloths were wet. I lost an austrian anarchist girl as a conversation partner to a german squatter. I toke a dump in the info center’s toilet where the sink was full with vomit. But on my way from the toilet to a shelter where my warm beer was waiting I realized where I am, how did I get here and what do I do. I had the time of my life. I was in berlin on a tour with my best friends. On a trip I booked solely. I didn’t know what day it was and I knew if anyone who’s not into this as deep as we are, they wouldn’t understand why I enjoy this. But I loved that. Not the fact of being unique in a different way but the secret I had which was why I’m having fun. I’m not punk all the time. In the meaning of sometimes I don’t force my punkness to x-ray everything’s legit status for my standards. I’m more likely let it work instinctively. Cause setting up and following rules is so easy. Especially if it works only with hatred. I hate this, I hate that, everything sucks. That’s a really sad way to live a life. Punk has this tendency to retain youth in ourselves. Which sometimes is the first element of a personality people tend to dump. And it’s sad. Kids usually just care about things they like and they like it because they think it’s good. And cause there’s no objective definition of something good other than it can’t be progressive rock or jazz it’s totally their liberate choice.
When I said I’m not punk all the time I meant I don’t always suspect some major conspiracy behind things what not just I but also maybe my mother would like. Listenable music is not always evil. And because it’s listenable of course more money will be in it. But I’m not listening to it because I take it serious other than I take serious my taste and the connection between that and their music. If it fits I have no problem with this. Maybe it’s my less true, spoiled or still childish side of myself. But I’m fine with it. Cause I still have my ultimate hunger for new, interesting or simply just good punk music. And music in general. But I’m a punk so I have my heart there. The thing is, it’s fun for me to keep my enthusiasm not as hard work. It’s not hard for me to deny parts of society, and capitalist culture what I don’t like. I like to have epiphanies after flushing my shit in squats and avoid most of the consumer society. Nothing is really hard and painful when you love to do it.